Yoga Competition

When I first went to a yoga class, I felt like I was competing. There seemed to be a universal knowledge of what to do and how to be, and I was not getting it. Was it me? How did it seem that everyone knew exactly what they were supposed to be doing without the teacher uttering a word?

I am pretty good at trying to disappear into my surroundings so I tried to blend using peripheral glances and slow movement that I was trying to camouflage as confidence. When I finally got my mat, I placed it far back within the studio as not to be noticed. Throughout the practice, I struggled in the postures, trying to make myself look like everyone else. I was so busy glancing all around, nervous that people were looking at me. I was competing with everyone in the room, including myself.

What I didn't know then is that the stomach ache that came with the feeling of potential judgement, the sweat pouring down my back as I twisted to check that I am fitting in, that I probably wasn't alone. I probably wasn't the only one looking outward instead of inward. I wasn't the only one checking the postures of others instead of focusing on my own breath.

In this world, a lot of times we are taught that to have value, we must do "better" than the person next to us. We must be in competition. And that people will always be passing judgement if we don't do things a certain way or look a certain way. We take this into the spaces we enter, including yoga spaces. We worry that if we don't do certain postures, if we use props, if we look different that those in our classes, we are inferior. I've felt that in yoga classes, and try to be aware of when I'm feeling this way.

One example I can provide about myself is that Downward dog is a posture that I have struggled with. It has been described as "easy" and a "beginner" posture. I struggled with it because my heels don't always reach the mat. But I've learned that they are not going to meet the mat each time, and that's okay. It could be due to my surgery, to my hamstrings, to how my body is built. So sometimes I put blocks underneath my hands, and my Downward Dog feels amazing, powerful, and accessible.

"Accessible Yoga" is just Yoga. We all come from different places, we all have different backgrounds, different bones, tendons, muscles, skin. That is a beautiful thing. What I've come to find out is that Yoga is not a competition. When looking around the room, every single person will have a different practice, and that is one of the most beautiful things. What I found out is there is not space for judgement in Yoga.